If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she told me i tasted like america
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
