I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
