She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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