I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
