I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just invented taco cereal.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
