Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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