It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
