My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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