My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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