he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you inspire me to be a worse person
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
