Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
