Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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