so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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