i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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