woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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