I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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