I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
