That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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