you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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