remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The best revenge is premature balding
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
