Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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