you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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