I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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