I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
