addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
