Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
