What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
