i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
