So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
