Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
