Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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