Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
