I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
