final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
