I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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