I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
