The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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