I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
