I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
