Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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