Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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