I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
