On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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