I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
