she looked like the before picture.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
