I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
