Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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