I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
