If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
