God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
