I love black thongs
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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