Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want to have your abortion
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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