i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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