They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
porn star boner night. come get it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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