I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
