dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
