I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
