nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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