I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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