i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
