I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize