A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
