She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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