Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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