it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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