i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
