i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
