So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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