please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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